This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
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If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
My teenager can make and edit a tik tok video and post it successfully, yet the idea of rinsing her cereal bowl after she’s done eating is a complete mystery.
This hospital has everything
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
my friend: i really need your help with getting over my ex…
me after stalking my ex’s IG & every girl he follows for the last 4 hours: omg yes ofc you’ve come to the right person
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.
