[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Who does Amazon think I am?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.