Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New favorite tiktok

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

*being murdered*

Him: You should of kept your mouth shut

Me: No. It’s should HAVE

*gets stabbed another 84 times*

My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.

I was raised by my father.

He was a competitive poker player.

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.

*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.

Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.

[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)