#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Netflix and you sit over there.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.