Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!

[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also

if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?

ME: No way

FRIEND: Why not?

ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!

going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.

Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…

That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

ME: Please don’t make me do this.

WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.

ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?

MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?

ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?

nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.

is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while

Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.