Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
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My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes