#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

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Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.

Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!

His wife: [glares at him]

Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.


I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.


a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention


70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots


*watches TV*
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous


5: “I went to Banana Land. The bananas danced & had flowers & tiny pandas on their heads.”

Me: “I’ll have whatever that kid’s having.”


I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.


<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.