#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good