#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
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Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
How does someone manage that 🤨
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’