#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
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Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?