#ThisMakesMeLaugh
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This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I’m wearing the tie I got married in more than 20 years ago and I don’t want to brag but… it still fits.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
I try
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Welcome
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.