#ThisMakesMeLaugh
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me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
The Assassin.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.