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I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Saw a praying mantis fighting my cat like some kinda warrior. I swear he was even swinging a stick, I don’t know maybe it was his arm.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Canadian owl: Eh?
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
2022 will be better than 2021
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?