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women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.