Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance

Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.

You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.

*Licking my plate clean

Girlfriend)You still have to wash that

Me)This house is a prison

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.

That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…

“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*

“I’ll still marry you”

No. I’m married to the sea now

*dives in*

Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.

Very good! 👍😂

inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no