Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.

If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

I’m 36 going on 37.

Old enough to play a high-school student in a major motion picture.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.

the clam before the storm

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.

funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.

I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.

Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.

ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood

[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant