{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
You Might Also Like
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.