{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
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I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.