Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
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[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Daughter: Want a cake for your birthday.
Me: No, cakes are expensive.
Daughter: It’s not the cake, it’s all those candles!
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
I just stopped by to water my horse.