Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]

Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.

No one suspects the “happy couple.”

Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Me: *tips the waiter*

Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST

“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”

“Son, that happens everywhere!”

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?

Batman: You’re the decoy

The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.

“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box

I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby