Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
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My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.