Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*

AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?

Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

ME: what came first the chicken or the egg

FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you

The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.

[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.

Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.

Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?

Him: A scientist?

Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?

Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.