Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Feels like the fourth month in January
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator