Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
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My grandad used to say the only way to gain knowledge was through asking questions. He truly was a whys man.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.