Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Ugh. Still no word from Disney about my RATATOUILLE sequel, where Remy the rat finds himself controlled by an even smaller creature. I was hoping to sell FLEA MIGNON by the end of May.

I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am

My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬

Me: do you like my new hairstyle?

17: oh – did you do that on purpose?

Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.

this is why you should always wash behind your ears

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No