Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
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A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
wishing you and yours all the best
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Does it…does it take 3 days
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…