Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
🙅🏻
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Them: You should try keto
Me:
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives