Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
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Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
Me: I can forgive but I’ll NEVER forget
McDonald’s cashier: Again Sir, I’m sorry we left you a nugget short in your six piece meal
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.