Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder