Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
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just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
accurate
This week’s mood.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
the short answer to this question
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.