Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.

Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

M: there are so many castles for sale in France!

H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there

M: that’s the best selling point there is!

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

We’re gonna party like its 1999.

//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”

American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

security at the airport getting more straightforward

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.