Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?

ROOMBA: I pick up anything

ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30

ROOMBA: No wait-

[45 minutes later]

ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.

Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.

A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator

As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.

Things that interrupt sex:

20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp

‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’

~dogs in therapy

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.

[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP

2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank

1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.