Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Dear Stephen Hawking,

You’re not the boss of us.

Sincerely,
hawks

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*

Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?

Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool

Kenickie: sure bro

Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly

Kenickie: wait what

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?

All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me

*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini