Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
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LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?