Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
You Might Also Like
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.