Those are good neighbors.
You Might Also Like
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true