Those are good neighbors.
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Sometimes I feel unnecessary and too much. But then I get a pack of pencils delivered from Amazon in a box big enough to fit a washing machine in and I feel better.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better