Those are good neighbors.
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I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
cats when you pet them too long:
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up