Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
You Might Also Like
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Me, reading some of your tweets
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Check out the legs on this baby
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
