Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
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Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
life lately
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Breaking news:
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Fries, not lies.
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter