Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
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pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.