Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
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HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶