Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
You Might Also Like
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
adam and eve had first world problems
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Me: “I’m going to the gym.”
The gym:
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis