Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
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My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
2024 has been a rough few years