That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
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Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
me irl
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.