Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

awkward

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.

Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.

Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?

Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?

I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.

Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.

“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…

british sex workers really pound for pound

My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

[first date]

Her: Are you wearing a wire?

Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*

What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.

My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids