“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely