Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.

Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

For the baby who has everything

Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.

one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

Killer: come out come out wherever you are

Me: *hiding*

Killer: omg what a cute puppy!

Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee

“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”

*walks outside
*screams

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds