those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
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*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
i like to flex on them by shrugging
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“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea