those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one