Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

This kid will have a bright future.

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

😎 🍻

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

yea so i messed up lol

Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go on

Marvel Exec: Get out.

The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary

Mom: But…how?

Cop: Maybe get a cab?

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?

10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.

hackers play passwordle

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

Oh no

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?

No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.