those birds must be on payroll
You Might Also Like
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.