Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?

me: i added ginger

her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger

ginger: *wet meows*

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?

I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom

-Jurassic period Grindr

Icarus loved hot wings.

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker

I can easily spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing but this guy was dressed like my grandmother which threw me off

[God making African animals]

Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.

Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

kinda feel like the bridge overreacted

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

[in music class]

Teacher: Be sure to take good notes

Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left