“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
God has left this place
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.