“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.