“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
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my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
It’s a gift
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*