those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
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Thank you 🥹
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
that de-escalated quickly
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.