Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities

the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication

[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re critical

me: I meant medically

*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*

*serves poached eggs*

When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.

We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter

Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.

[First Date]

Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?

Me: Sure

Him to waiter: BLT, please

Me: I’ll have the same

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

protagonist: tag you’re it

antagonist: no you’re it

pennywise: are you kidding me?

Interviewer: what are your future plans?

Me: lunch

Interviewer: I meant long term plans

Me: what, like dinner?

Okay