Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
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Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
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[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
socratic questions
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Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping