Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

Fun fact of the day: Hugh Hefner took so much viagra in his lifetime that his coffin lid still hasn’t closed all the way.

[store window advert – 50% off everything]

me: is everything really half off?

sales assistant: absolutely

me: even this $750 suit?

sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout

me: I’ll take it

sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger

PRODUCER: nice

JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor

PRODUCER: what

JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler

PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
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*go back once more*

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you

Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀

lumberjacks will cut a birch

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores

Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.