Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?