Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Uh oh 👀
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.
Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
OH. COME. ON.
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.