Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
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wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.