those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.