those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
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Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
the dark web is just a goth google.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
somebody come look at this
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My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job