Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Ha.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito