Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
My daily affirmation
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot