Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
mmm onion ringos
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.