Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

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I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.


Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.


Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.


SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!


First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.


Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people


Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium


me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.


“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.