@brennadine

Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?

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@kwirkyKerri

I hate it when I forget my password and don’t answer my secret questions right. It’s like I don’t even know me.

@EmberToAsh

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

@rolldiggity

Hate when I’m being chased by a shark and I make it to land, only to find out he’s tied to the back of a tiger.

@tastefactory

SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!

@Brampersandon_

First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.

@dumbbeezie

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

@davidkenny100

Me: how much is all the money in the world?
Genie: not sure exactly
Me: give me a ballpark figure
POOOF
*I’m now the size of Shea Stadium

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

@thepaulahunt

“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.