Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
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Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
a fate I wish upon no one
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.