Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Scream sneezers need love too.
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.