Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.

*throws back out*

Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.

Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.

Her: How old is he?

Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….

the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING

I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!

Oh wait.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak

“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus

having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse

Him: *gets the handcuffs out*

Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*

Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.

However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.

#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes

I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.

Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.

Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.

Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag

Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?

Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.

Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house

And that’s why Uber was created

Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice

Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.

Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?

Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft

I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys

Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone