Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
My blood type is b hungry.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.