Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
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HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
As the Lord intended
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
What a website
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh